Duration: 1 Hour
Rating: 4 Sirens
Once upon a time, in the bustling streets of Los Angeles, a certain suspect decided that one getaway car simply wasn’t enough. No, this individual needed to find the perfect ride—just like Goldilocks searching for the perfect bowl of porridge. Except, in this twisted LA fairy tale, our “Goldilocks” wasn’t too concerned about propriety, traffic laws, or, you know, other people’s personal property. And for some reason, all the chosen chariots came in one fashionable color: white.
Car #1: The Too-Slow White Dodge Caravan
Our story begins with the suspect cruising around in a white Dodge Caravan. Let’s be honest: If you’re trying to outrun the LAPD, a minivan is about as aerodynamic as a brick with wheels. Maybe it was the only thing available, maybe it just screamed “road trip snacks,” but whatever the reason, the caravan was not the lightning bolt on wheels our suspect needed. He zoomed along (if you can call it that) from Ventura down into Granada Hills, Pacoima, and beyond—just barely managing to reach speeds that would impress your neighborhood soccer mom.
In Los Angeles, car chases happen with near-clockwork regularity—this was actually the second high-speed pursuit of the day, and it wasn’t even 1 p.m. yet! As the chase dragged on, the suspect nearly flattened an officer who dared to lay down a spike strip. The nerve! Still, our friend was not satisfied—this ride was too slow. Goldilocks had tasted the blandest porridge, and it wasn’t cutting it.
Car #2: The Too-Thirsty White BMW
After abandoning the Caravan in Porter Ranch, our suspect popped into a Chevron station—as one does mid-pursuit—and decided to upgrade. Enter the second getaway ride: a white BMW. Sleek, sporty, and ready to rumble! This one had “I’m a getaway car” written all over it. Finally, something with a little more zip to weave through city streets and blow past red lights like they were suggestions instead of laws.
But just like that second bowl of porridge that’s too hot, this BMW had its own issues—it needed gas too often. The suspect screeched through Woodland Hills, dodged a CHP officer at another station, and even bumped into a patrol car near a Shell. This was turning into the wildest commuter sample platter anyone’s ever witnessed: high-speed runs at 80-100 mph, darting between LA and Ventura counties, and always flirting with disaster. Let this be a lesson, Angelenos: keep your keys with you at all times, because in a city where car chases happen like clockwork, you never know when some gas-guzzling bandit might decide your parked ride is the perfect next getaway car.
Car #3: The “Just Right” White Work Van
At an ARCO station, the suspect went for round three: another white vehicle—this time, a work van. Why white again? Maybe it’s just the official getaway color of the day, or maybe the suspect was hoping to blend into a painter’s convention. Who knows. But this third car must have felt like the last bowl of porridge. Roomy enough to move around in, more reliable than a caravan, less needy than a BMW, and hopefully with a gas tank that wouldn’t give out mid-escape.
With this final selection, the suspect continued the rollercoaster ride, heading northbound on the 101 toward Calabasas. On the way, there was a run-in with a blue MINI Cooper—just to keep things interesting—and plenty more evasive maneuvers that made Stu Mandel, the helicopter reporter, deliver commentary like a seasoned ring announcer. Stu kept us informed, lively, and entertained as the suspect spun his way through Southern California like a contestant on “The Amazing Race: Crime Edition.”
But all poorly chosen getaways must come to an end. After venturing into Thousand Oaks, Ventura PD proved they don’t play games when it comes to stopping stupid criminals. In a swift, well-executed PIT maneuver, they spun that final white van like a carnival ride gone wrong. With nowhere left to run, the suspect’s hour-plus joyride screeched to a halt. Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt in this wild, white-knuckle ride.
Lesson learned: Don’t mess with Ventura PD, because they will end it—or end you—faster than you can say “wrong way on the freeway.”
Happily Never After
So what have we learned from this “Three Cars” fiasco? No matter how many white vehicles you “borrow” mid-pursuit, the LAPD and CHP won’t just let you ride into the sunset. Whether it’s a too-slow Caravan, a too-thirsty BMW, or a maybe-just-right work van, law enforcement has a way of making sure your story ends in custody—not a comfy bed like Goldilocks might’ve hoped for.
Takeaway (4 Sirens):
This pursuit had all the makings of a 5-siren spectacular—end-to-end thrills, non-stop high speeds, and no dull moments. But after watching law enforcement struggle to snag the suspect through not one, not two, but three separate stolen cars, you’ll be left feeling a bit of frustration. Despite that, it’s a solid 4-siren chase, with action so continuous you won’t even think about hitting the fast-forward button.
